Big Changes, Big Feelings

Seriously. All the feelings.

This post is kind of one of those things where I talk about when life doesn’t go the way you planned it. I have a lot of feelings around this, but sometimes life not going the way you planned is the right thing, and I’m not about to fight the flow until I die from it.

As of May 23rd, I closed down the traditional publishing company I and a business partner ran. There were a lot of reasons for this that weren’t so much anybody’s fault as they are facts of life. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

However, that closure has created an opening to really chase something that I’ve been on the fringes of and working toward for many, many years. Instead of fighting the tide, I decided to roll with it and let go. Instead of trying to be a trad publisher, myself, the company has changed gears. We are now moving into the sphere of offering self-publishing services for authors. My sales pitch is that we are offering all the power and knowledge of traditional publishing to self-publishing authors.

What that means for me is that I can focus on the things I’m really good at: book production, writing, editing, typesetting… all the pieces of the industry I really and deeply love. This means I can also really get deep into that without having to wring myself out over trying to handle all the marketing and everything that comes after publication for not only my own book but everyone else’s. I am, after all, only one person.

Shuttering as a traditional publishing company felt a lot like a failure. I knew it wasn’t, but that didn’t stop the feelings. All my compatriots, my clients, and everyone I spoke to were thrilled. Excited by the idea that I am stepping into a sphere that capitalizes hard on my strengths. I’m also bolstered by an amazing team of professionals who appeared saying they wanted to work with me. All signs point toward this being the right choice. And my mind has been spinning with excitement and activity while I pursue it.

That doesn’t, however, mean that grief doesn’t play a role in it. As my friend Hana S. Elysiaover atCome Hithertold me, I needed to make time and space to grieve. Humans are complex creatures able to feel multiple things at once, so while I am absolutely excited about the prospects, there’s a part of me that’s sad to see that chapter close.

I and my friends ran Insomnia Publishing for about eight years. Nearly a quarter of my life at the age I am now. That is not a small amount of time. We worked extremely hard with many profoundly talented people to bring their books to print. I have copies of many of them sitting on the shelf above my computer monitor as a testament to what I’ve done over the years. That long line of books isn’t all of the ones I’ve had my hands in, either. it contains some that I am not particularly proud of in the sense that they’re only “all right.” (The first ones I did work on, I was new. That’s not a failure either.) I’ve got some up there that are freaking amazing.

All together, they are a large part of my life, and I have them up there to remind me of my successes and my accomplishments.

In the future, I will be adding to that. I need to purchase paperbacks of some of the books I’ve worked on more recently but didn’t publish through my company. Like Leslie E. Heath’s Nivaka Chronicles. And Bellamy Gayle’s excellent Keep Me Safe.

I guess all of this is kind of being put together to say it’s all right if you’re sad that a chapter ends and are excited a new one is beginning at the same time. I feel both those things, even though I know the closure isn’t a failure at all. I’m proud of the work I did. I’m proud of my decision that I needed to change tracks. I’m proud of the authors I’ve published. I’m also sad. Sad that I wasn’t able to make it work. Sad I wasn’t able to do all of the things I wanted to. Sad the efforts we put in didn’t result in more sales.

The sadness will fade in time, leaving only the excitement and pride, I’m certain. Until then, however, I will continue to be a ball of emotions as I start this new chapter in my publishing career. With it also comes some new books. I have short stories, two novels, and two non-fiction books in various stages of readiness. Some are more prepared to launch than others. This move has freed me up to give me more time to write for myself, too.

If you’re facing a change or accepting that a project (or experience or relationship or job…) has run its course, it’s okay to have multiple emotions about it. There’s pressure, a lot of the time, to only feel one. People will say you shouldn’t be sad that it’s over. People will tell you, you should only be happy for the future. Or you shouldn’t feel anger about something while also feeling joy. We are complicated creatures capable of mixed emotions, and that complexity makes us whole and more complete people.

And if you’re facing a change like I have been? It’s okay to let go and acknowledge something didn’t work the way you planned. But that letting go doesn’t have to be failure. It doesn’t mean you won’t grieve, of course, but the end of something isn’t necessarily failure. It’s also freedom.

You can do this.