Choosing The Bear

The "man or bear" controversy actually has some personal meaning for me in a way. Here's why I'd choose the bear, and no, it's not because I don't adore men.

CONTENT WARNING: MENTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

If you haven’t heard about it, there’s this question going around the internet right now being asked of women and AFAB folks: If you had to be in a forest would you choose to be alone with a man or alone with a bear? To almost nobody’s surprise, women by in large are choosing the bear.

I want to start by saying I love men. Men are fantastic, and I generally vibe better with men than I do with women. I always have, and that’s been a stable fact in my life. I also tend to lean more masculine in my presentation and attitude. However, I also have been seriously hurt by men on multiple occasions and been afraid for my physical safety and the safety of others in ways I never have been with a woman. Or a bear.

And I have the experience to back it up.

Photo by Andy Holmes on Unsplash

While I don’t really identify as a “woman” these days (non-binary), I have lived my life in a female body and was socialized as one. For the purposes of this conversation, I will likely refer to myself as a woman due to the nature of that shared experience.

When I was going to summer camp, I had two very significant experiences involving bears. The first of which, I and my group were camping and sheltered in a lean-to. It was raining, and someone rolled over and shoved me out into the mud where I grouchily slept all night. This was in the Adirondack mountains, and we were miles and miles away from anything resembling human occupation. We’d taken back roads to get to the hiking trail and hiked many miles out into nowhere.

I woke up to something tickling my face and figured it was a bug or something. I slapped at it only to find something furry. That woke me up. There weren’t any pet dogs or anything with us, after all. I opened my eyes to discover a very disappointed black bear staring at me. It was hoping I was food-related, and I was absolutely not. The bear huffed and waddled off quickly. I tell this story because it’s hilarious but also to illustrate my point. (Seriously, the waddling bear butt will live in my mind forever.)

My second experience was also at summer camp that same trip when I walked out of my cabin only to almost trip over a baby black bear. It was absolutely adorable and had been seen all around the camp. I immediately sat down on the stairs while the baby wandered around and snuffled at things about five or so feet away from me. To my right, I could see mama keeping a watchful eye about ten feet away.

Neither bothered me, and we just sat until the baby finished doing baby bear things and wandered off. It was adorable despite the fact that situation could have been deadly very quickly had I in any way demonstrated that I was a threat to either mother or baby.

Throughout my life, I have had many encounters with wild animals from moose to coyotes to fishercats. I used to tame Canada geese as a kid, and I did the same with garter snakes. Wild animals, on the whole, don’t scare me. I respect them, and being hunted by something hungry would be terrifying, but the animals themselves? Nah. I grew up spending all my time with animals. The farm animals I lived with were my friends and confidants — particularly the draft horses whose stalls I spent all my time in when I was younger.

Moving forward in the narrative, I want to note that I have been training in martial arts since I was two. I started Aikido at that age then moved on to Uechi Ryu and then into Aikijujutsu, Kenpo, Kenjutsu, Yanagi Ryu, Nami Ryu, Filipino Knife, Kung Fu, and Tai Chi. I was, at one point a martial arts teacher. I also have some tactical firearms training and have handled firearms since I was about eight. I’m not a crack shot at this point in my life, but I’m familiar with them and own multiple. I am also trained in sword and knife, am decent with a bow, and can throw an axe or knife effectively. These days, I teach and compete in historical European fencing in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA).

Add to that, I am 5’9 and have no small amount of muscle on me. I carry myself with confidence and typically have a knife on me somewhere. I have nuclear side-eye skills and have ended many a confrontation by staring someone down. Including potentially dangerous ones with dangerous people. I’ve had guns drawn on me and talked people down before as well as having been shot at. When I say I’ve been in the shit, I’m not joking or making things up.

I am nothing resembling a soft target which has given me that confidence and lack of fear for my safety that many, many women do not experience in their lives. Should I have to be a certified badass to feel safe? No, absolutely not. However, being one definitely gives me a perspective many women (and other AFAB people) don’t possess.

The first time I was sexually assaulted by a man was in high school. The second time was also in high school. There was a third in the gray area between high school and college. I was pressured by many men after that for sexual favors and treated badly when I refused them. I dated several men who wouldn’t accept “no” as an answer and either harmed me, threatened to harm me, or threatened to harm themselves if I didn’t give them what they wanted. I also worked as a gig musician and karaoke host in bars for many years and have been made to feel distinctly unsafe on multiple occasions.

I am not going to get into the details of my sexual assaults. It’s long over now, and that’s between me and my therapist.

My point here, however, is I don’t walk around afraid of men on the regular. I’m not, as a general rule. That said, I am often a little wary when one walks up to me even in a public place. A fatherly gentleman helped me out with a weight machine at the gym yesterday when I was struggling with something not working properly and was worried about fussing with it. He was very kind, very warm, and very friendly to me and wasn’t for a second improper. I was genuinely grateful for his help, and I told him so. He did nothing wrong whatsoever and was wonderful.

And yet, when he walked up to me and while he fussed with the machine, I was watchful the whole time because what starts as someone offering you a hand and being kind can turn into other things. It’s not that I thought he was going to harm me or assumed he was going to try and cause me difficulty, but I’ve had to be on guard with strange men my whole life because I’ve been shown time and time again, I need to be.

Let me be clear here and reiterate that I love men. I have many male friends with whom I spend time, and I delight in their company, their humor, and their masculinity. They are truly wonderful people, and I make new male friends frequently. I don’t duck or dodge men or male presence in my life or in my world. Quite the opposite, really. However, I am still cautious when I first approach. It’s like walking up to a strange dog. They might be friendly and wagging their tail and excited to meet me, but if I don’t know the dog, I also don’t know whether or not that friendliness could turn sour fast. So I treat the dog with caution even if I’m rubbing it behind the ears. Once I know them, however, I will give out belly rubs all day and never think twice.

With women, I don’t experience that same kind of hesitance. I am still socially anxious, so I definitely am a little unsure of myself and tend to be shy, but I don’t feel concern for my safety around them. This safety includes trans women, by the way. And by in large, when I’m in environments with men I know are gay, I don’t typically have the same sort of caution around them, either. For the most part, my concern is largely centered on cishet men because of experience.

A gay man is unlikely to try and hit on me or stalk me or be awful to me if he tries to hit on me, and I tell him I’m married and to please stop. I dealt with it a lot in bars when I was a gig musician. Wearing a wedding ring didn’t seem to make a difference to a lot of those people.

So, why would I choose the bear?

Because I’ve had both experiences, and when it was the bear, the only thing that happened to me was that the bear was disappointed I wasn’t food. I knew what it wanted, and I also knew what to do about it. I might feel differently if I’d been chased down by an angry grizzly bear, but my life experience has taught me that a black bear versus a strange man? A black bear is less likely to cause me difficulty, and if the black bear does cause me difficulty, it’ll be because it’s hungry or feels threatened. I know how to not make it feel threatened.

With a strange man, I would need to watch for a million possible tells that indicate to me whether or not I am safe with him, and I need to keep track of those tells on a running basis because they can change in an instant. Do I think most men would hurt me if we were alone in the woods? Absolutely not. I’ve gone camping and hiking alone with a number of men and loved it, in fact. I’ve met men on hiking trails and waved them on.

I’ve spent a lot of time in male-dominated spaces, too. As a martial artist who was literally the only woman in an entire martial art for a while, I trained exclusively with men, shared a locker room with men, and hung out with them afterwards. I freaking love men. I was safe in those spaces, mostly. I say mostly because I had several confrontations that could’ve gone south and at least one male instructor who was very interested in me on a physical level and was told off by other instructors. I’ve also spent a fair amount of time on gun ranges which are, by in large, a male activity. That environment was more hostile to me than the dojo was because those men constantly try and steer me toward the pink guns which always annoyed me.

As somebody who could defend themself thoroughly against a man if he chose to attack me. As someone who is very physically dangerous if forced to be (though I would much rather disengage and run if I can). As someone who has spent time in male spaces and who loves men. As someone who has been in the woods with a bear and other wildlife on many occasions.

This isn’t a hypothetical. I would choose the bear. I’ve never been raped by a bear.