One of the most damaging things I have witnessed in my seventeen years as an editor in the professional space are authors having public meltdowns when faced with criticism. I’ve witnessed it at all levels of the industry, and it’s never pretty. Every time it happens, I grimace and shake my head and think, “Well, RIP that person’s fanbase.”
This isn’t to say that all the criticism and feedback we receive is justified and we aren’t allowed to have feelings about it. There are going to be plenty of times when we receive criticism or reviews that are blatantly unfair or inaccurate both from readers and from other authors or writers or the world at large. Unfortunately, being a public figure means critique is going to be a thing for us. Earned or not.
I’ve also seen it in more private spaces such as writing groups. People will request critique or feedback on a piece and not handle it when when that feedback isn’t glowing. I’m not here to shame anyone for having feelings about that, to be clear. I, too, have feelings about that kind of thing. Emotions are not the enemy here.
Our First Response
When we first read something critical of our work, our instinct is typically to defend ourselves and our work because it feels like a referendum on us. It hurts, of course, and often feels like someone telling us that we are not good enough. That experience can be very painful. Doubly so since artists frequently face critique from others telling us that we are deserving of our struggles and should “just get real jobs.”
Beyond that, art is often deeply personal. Even if we are not writing a story or creating a piece that tears our soul to shreds and bares some heavy personal truth, art is still personal. Part of that is because artists are often our own worst critic. Whether it’s music, painting, photography, writing, or any other medium, artists typically see every single flaw in a work and struggle to look beyond that. Criticism reinforces that feeling and can drive us hard into bad places.
As a result of this, it’s no surprise that most of us come at critique from a place of fragility. Developing a thick skin in the face of criticism is a skill not everyone learns, and it can be an absolutely bitter pill to swallow even when we are asking for it.
I say all of this, of course, while also saying that our first reaction to critique needs to be to step away and take a deep breath and ride through those emotions. Regardless of the source, of how valid the critique is, or anything else, if you can take a moment to create some emotional distance between yourself and the experience, you will be able to approach it in a way that is productive rather than purely reactionary.
There will be times when we just can’t get away from the thing and have to address it in the moment, but the majority of times we are dealing with criticism, we can choose to accept that someone feels that way and then file it away to emotionally process later.
The Need for Psychological Distance
As someone with CPTSD who experiences emotional responses that can be incredibly intense and overwhelming at times, one of the more important things I have taken away from my many, many years in therapy is the ability to put a pin in my emotional reaction. This is not the same as burying your feelings, however. Instead, it is essentially taking a moment to consider my perspective and viewpoint without allowing my emotional response to drive the way I engage with something.
The Stoics (yes, the ancient philosophers) advised viewing events as neutral. This is an important thing to engage in when the emotions happen. The first thing I suggest is viewing the criticism as neutral. What that means is that it isn’t “good” or “bad.” It merely “is.” To quote Marcus Aurelius from Meditations, “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
It sounds incredibly simple on paper, yet putting this into practice is hard. It requires us to shift our perspective on things and reconsider how we take information in, entirely. For example, if we view the criticism as neutral or (likely more accurately) as something intended to help us improve, we can change our emotional response to it. It becomes less like an attack and more like well-meaning advice. Now, that advice might be more or less helpful (or not for us at all in the case of reviews), but it’s rarely ever delivered with actual malice.
That ability to detach from the situation requires effort but can also affect other areas of our lives. For example, if my spouse forgot to do the dishes (again), and I come home to a messy kitchen (again) after a long day of work, it may be tempting to start making assertions about whether or not my partner respects me and values my time. There are valid times to make that assessment of whether or not your partner values you. However, in my circumstance? My partner has ADHD and physical disabilities. Him not doing the dishes is a neutral reality. There are many reasons why the dishes may not be done.
This is not to say that our emotions are not legitimate. That’s one of the key elements that many modern men who follow the Stoics seem to forget. Emotions are hardly the enemy here. In fact, the whole point of Stoicism is to help people regulate their emotions rather than be ruled by them. Emotional regulation is not emotional deletion. It’s just teaching us to give ourselves the freedom to experience our emotions while also seeking to understand if those emotions are just and right.
In the dishes example, if I storm upstairs and immediately lay into my partner because the dishes weren’t done only to find out he injured himself or got involved in a far more important project that benefits both of us (or, perhaps, planned some sweet surprise for me), I will have done a lot more harm than good. Instead, if I approach it with neutrality and ask him what happened, I can both regulate my emotional reaction as well as ensure I do not cause him harm in the process.
This emotional regulation and distance gives us the opportunity to assess the nature of the situation with as clear a head as possible and then make logical, rational decisions based on it and prevents us from engaging in rash, emotional behavior that can cause is far more harm than it does good.
Techniques for Creating Emotional Distance
All right, so we’ve talked about why emotional distance is necessary. Next up is the question of how the hell to achieve it. If this ability to create emotional distance is not, in fact, about repressing our feelings, then what is it?
There are a million ways to engage in emotional regulation. Some are more helpful than others, and each individual will find different methods that work well for them, so please don’t think that if these don’t work for you that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re a failure of some kind. This is not true in the slightest. It just means that you will have to explore other methods to help you when you need to find your calm.
Take a Time Out
The first order of business is, of course, to take some time away from whatever it is caused you to feel this way. If it’s a critique group you cannot just leave because it’s in person, maybe excuse yourself to the bathroom for a moment. If it’s something less immediate and physically present, consider giving yourself a few hours to decompress before returning to the situation. Heck, sometimes sleeping on it helps.
Make sure you specifically give yourself a timeline on this, though. If you walk away and never return, avoiding your problems rarely results in good dividends. Letting go of something is different than avoiding it. Letting go is a decision whereas avoidance is more a knee-jerk reaction. Spending a while engaging in emotional regulation can allow the immediate storm of emotions to pass, however, and that is a valuable thing to do. Rarely is it beneficial to our situation to immediately act on our emotional responses to things like critique or rejection.
Giving yourself space is one of the best ways to prevent immediate explosions. Even if it’s just a few minutes to allow the reaction to settle.
Breathing
The first one you will hear talked about in most places is methods of deep breathing. This can include box breathing (where you inhale, hold, and then exhale for certain counts) to things like just being aware of your breath and feeling your body as you breathe. When we are in an elevated emotional state, we tend to breathe faster and harder, and intentionally regulating our breathing can help our body calm down. This isn’t just about psychology; it is also about biology. If we can tell our nervous system that we are not, in fact, being attacked by tigers, it will help ease the fight or flight response (which is a natural reaction to situations where we feel threatened, even if that threat is not an actual tiger).
Personally, I favor taking slow, deep breaths without counting. As a trained singer and an asthmatic, I find box breathing sometimes causes me more trouble than it helps, so instead I tend to zero in on slowing my breathing down and feeling the air in my lungs and the way it moves in and out.
One recommendation I see often is to inhale longer than you exhale (or vice versa). That’s because this element of control helps us focus on the activity and forces us to consider how our bodies are functioning. For some people, this focus may cause more anxiety than it helps, but the majority of people are able to find some measure of relief that way.
Grounding
The next one is going to be finding something that helps us feel connected to our bodies. For some people this might involve literally lying on the floor (floor time is king for neurodivergent folks). For others it can be going to take a walk (or just putting bare feet on soil or grass if you can). For yet others it could be doing some mindful yoga.
Whatever this looks like for you, take some time to reconnect with your body and your environment. If you aren’t at home, you can at the very least close your eyes for a moment and focus on feeling your body where it connects with the ground. How your chair holds you up, how the floor holds you up. Whatever it is, feel the world supporting you and bring your awareness to those points.
Another option is, of course, exercise. Exercise can ground us in our bodies. Doing a few jumping jacks, shaking out your hands and arms, rubbing your hands together, clenching your fists and releasing them intentionally… All of these methods can help you ground your body and remember where you are.
Consider Perspective
If we remove ourselves from the situation, sometimes our perspective and understanding change. One such technique is to consider what we would do if this situation happened to a close friend (or our child or partner). If we let go of the fact that this is us in our immediate situation, we can sometimes reconsider our immediate response.
Try viewing the situation objectively. If it isn’t an unkindly intended critique (or review or rejection) then reacting as if it was designed to damage us does not benefit anything. It also means our response should be more tempered than aggressive.
Also, from that outside perspective, we can sometimes see whether or not the reaction we want to have will cause further damage. While it might be satisfying in the moment to blast a reviewer or send an angry email in response to a rejection, the way that affects us in the future outweighs whether or not it feels good now. This ability to step aside and view things while seeing them in context of how they will affect us in the future can help us prevent missteps in the present.
Talk Things Out With a Friend
Find someone (or a small group of someones) to talk to about your feelings. Perhaps show them the email or review or what have you and ask them what they think about that response. Much like removing yourself from the situation, sometimes asking the opinion of others can be very useful. I, for one, use the “Judge” tool on Goblin.Tools with somewhat regularity to make sure I am not misjudging something. Being autistic, understanding tone in others’ writing or statements is a personal difficulty of mine, and it’s something I need to use caution with. Especially when I am feeling strongly about whatever it is that I’ve received.
This external brake check can help us feel supported by our friends and those we hold closest while also offering us the opportunity to make sure we are not reacting to this in a way that is going to be more negative than helpful. Taking the opportunity to lean into those who care for us can provide a number of mental health benefits beyond just preventing us from sticking our feet in our mouths, but in this case it can also very much help us reframe our thinking.
What Not To Do
We’ve talked a lot about what to do thus far, but I also want to at least write out a quick list of things to avoid in context of handling rejection.
Respond in anger
Make aggressive public statements
Be unkind (particularly if the criticism was solicited)
Put the person giving the critique on blast unless the critique was done in bad faith or otherwise warrants being highlighted as negative
Be unprofessional in your reaction in public
Melt down in places that could shape others’ opinions of you (have a good cry/rant with a close friend or group of friends, but be cautious where you let those emotions loose)
Give up.
Where Do You Go From Here?
Rejection is, unfortunately, a part of our industry and a part of our lives. We can’t avoid it, nor can we react to it every single time. There will come a point in your career where you are public enough to get negative comments from random people. It is unavoidable unless you don’t pursue your career to that point. It’s reasonable if you don’t; that doesn’t make you a failure. However, the intent is for all of us to be big rock stars live in hilltop houses… What was I saying? Ahem.
Accepting critique is important for us to help us grow and develop as authors as well as people. It will never not sting. However, our reaction to it can determine whether we shoot our careers in the knee or continue past the experience into something better. Developing a thick skin is necessary in this industry, unfortunately, and there’s no getting around that. However, we can absolutely find ways to protect our mental health as we develop that thick skin and build the skills we need to prevent from coming apart in the meantime.
